I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
