I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
