I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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