So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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