Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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