it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
