YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
