I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You can't special order awesome
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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