Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
