you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We are all done wearing pants today
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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