oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
