You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
