I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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