I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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