my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
