So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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