I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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