I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
