I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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