i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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