Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
