we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize