thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize