please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
