Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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