I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
