Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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