do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
