I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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