I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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