Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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