when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
