I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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