The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
