I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
