Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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