me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
