you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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