Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize