Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
