Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
