Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
