I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
