Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
