i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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