i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
