im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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