Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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