I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
