Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
