I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
