True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
