My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
