My underwear smells like fireworks.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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