so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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