Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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