Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
