i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
