If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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