wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
