I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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