this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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