Your dad touched me again.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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