or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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