mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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