did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
