im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize