I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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