So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she told me i tasted like america
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
